Time Under Tension
Updated: May 2, 2021
Nothing has taught me more about living in the moment than watching my mother die. Over the last three years, and especially this past year, I have watched her resurrect and teach me something new. As throughout her life, her process of dying was a masterful lesson of letting go. I am not a patient person by nature, and as harsh as this may sound the last 20 years of watching her make choices about her physical health that were in direct opposition to her spiritual discipline and health, and their subsequent repercussions were one of the greatest challenges of my life. My judgements were ever present, easier for me to be angry with her than own the fear of losing her or the truth of how sad it was that my time with her as an adult was not what I had ideally hoped for. I do not believe in deifying the dead. She taught me to embrace the light and the dark, for therein lies the beauty. She was difficult, nearly impossible to help, self- righteous, albeit most of the time she was right and that made me crazy. She challenged me in every possible way and I am grateful to her for it.
The gifts she had were many. She was a spiritual adept, a priestess, teacher, shaman, intuitive, and healer. Her extreme generosity of spirit, radical pursuit of the esoteric mysteries and relentless desire to live life on her own terms asked a lot of us all. Sometimes more than we ever dreamed we were capable of.
She asked me to love more, when I didn’t know how.
She asked me trust God when I couldn’t even trust myself.
She asked for the truth when it was hard to speak it.
She asked me to set boundaries, even if it meant saying “No” to her.
She asked me to take myself less seriously and laugh instead.
She asked me to look up, to surrender my heart. TO LISTEN to the still small voice and hear the Christ within.
She gave me the keys to the universe and gave me the courage to unlock the door.
She asked me to be wholly, and holy myself, even when I was unsure and finding my way.
She asked me to let go, even if it meant letting go of her.